Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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