i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
