my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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