You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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