I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
