why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
