Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
