i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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