i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
