i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
