Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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