Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I licked your asshole in confidence.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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