wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
