I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
