Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
