I just threw up on my dentist
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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