there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
