Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
