I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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