did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Randomize
