I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
