yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
