So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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