I just cut my nipple shaving
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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