It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
