Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
