and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
