Are we in a gay sports bar?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
