he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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