He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
