i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
