You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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