i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
