you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
