So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
