I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Randomize
