He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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