remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
