if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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