i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
