I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
