I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
