my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Randomize
