The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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