she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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