If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
