Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He shit in the fireplace
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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