Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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