I wish I could punch you in the face.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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