The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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