Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
