tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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