Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I met the friendliest cop last night
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
